UGH UGH UGH

GOD.

I hate myself sometimes!

I was having such a good day and then I have to go off and be like this!

Grrr.

It's hard enough knowing that I only have two more weeks left with Zakk...well, less than now! 12 days. I have only 12 days left with Zakk until I'm shipped off back home for the summer. 200 miles away. 3 hours. It sucks. And it's hard enough knowing that, but then I go to start packing things up and cleaning things, and I go and put the stuff he has in my room in a pile and what do I do?

I start to fucking CRY!

Errrgh!

I mean, I'm still within 100 feet of him even in this very moment, but I'm just heartbroken knowing we're going to be that far apart all summer. Whatever happened to being excited for the summer? To have freedom to do what you want with your friends? That's the last thing I am right now!

If I could have it my way, I'd be able to stay on this side of the state year round. Hell, I want to move out here permanantly! To be with my friends, with my love! To not have to be stuck in a town that hates you for four months straight, where you don't feel accepted, appreciated, or loved. Out here in Ypsi, in Ann Arbor, in Livonia, I do!!!! With Zakk, I feel like the luckiest girl, the most special girl, and just beautiful! Whenever I hear him, see him, am around him...it's like I'm flying! It's like I finally know what true happiness really is! This is how I'm supposed to feel!

And now I get to be flung back to the previous state of hell I was in? No thank you!

I just want to never have to feel depressed again...ya know? But all I can think of when I think of going back to Niles alone, is how horrid and awful last summer was! It was the worst experience of my life. I'd rather kill myself than to go back and relive that. I don't want to have to be around those people, to see his face again. I don't know what I'd do, or what he'd do, and that scares me. A lot. I don't feel safe there when I'm alone.

And when I was packing up and sorting through Zakk's belonging's it just kinda felt like I would be saying goodbye for good. Even though I know I'm not! But it just feels like some cruel joke the world was playing on me. It's like, "Hey, you! Here's your very own Superman to save you" and then, "Alright, now that you've had your fun, you get to give him back."

I miss him terribly, and we've yet to say goodbye. It's completely messed up, I know. My friends say that's just how love is, and that's how you're supposed to feel.

Hmph.