I'm on a Boat!!!.....I mean, Mission...I'm on a Mission!

Sooooo...

Not that it really matters, but I just typed up a really long entry and then the Internet gods decided they were going to be all high and mighty and delete so that all the people who don't read this blog won't get to see it.

Yay.

So, here's the shortened entry.

I finally figured out what's been getting me so anxious, paranoid, panicky, and nervous. And you know what??? There isn't a fucking thing I can do about it! Which sucks. But at the same time, it's slightly comforting, because knowing that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it means that I'm not doing something that I could do. So that's put me slightly at ease. Like >.01% at ease....but still, it's something, right???

On another note, I am slowly coming up with a list of goals for this summer, and here is the list I've compiled thus far:

-Finish editing Milk Nights for the last time!!!
-Finish the first draft of Indie-A-Go-Go
-Start/Finish the Mordred Screenplay
-Play piano everyday and start writing songs again

As I work on each of these goals I plan on writing about it here....not that anyone reads this, but at least it'll be fun at the end of the summer to go back through these posts and watch my progress. But mainly, my goal is to start writing again. I used to write all the time, and get in trouble for doing it in school...writing was fun for me, and I've never been really good at something, but writing was always something that I was at least decent with. I don't really plan on publishing anything, or filming anything or performing...I know I'm not good enough for that, but it'd be good for me. And it'll bring the creative side of me back, and I need that. I'm sick of the serious shit. It's no good for me.

Finals Week

So it's the first day of finals week and I'm in major panic mode....As usual! I have a million and a half performances to do, as well as tests. And then on top of all of that, I have to somehow convince myself to pack up all my stuff and move out...and I'm having a lot of trouble with that, because I don't see any positives of going home.

One Week...

To most people, the last week of the school year is bittersweet; It's sweet because it's the last week of school, and bitter because they'll leave their school friends for a few months.

Well for me, the last week of my 2nd year of college is nothing but bitter, because next Friday I leave for home for FOUR FUCKING MONTHS!!!!!!!!! GAHHHHHHHHHHHH

Let me restate that.

I live at least three hours away from the majority of my closest friends. And it sucks that for a third of the year I don't get to see them :( But most of all, I won't get to see Zakk. I have spent pretty much everyday of the past 7 and a half months with him, and I can't imagine life without him. Basically, I'm already starting to get separation anxiety. But I know things will work out between us, I do.

But yeah...right now I'm just trying to enjoy every bit of these last few days in Ypsi...even if it means enjoying finals....










Oh yeah, I also want to learn how to wrestle.

12 days...

Something is obviously wrong with me.

Normal people aren't like this.

Normal people don't feel this way.

Normal people just aren't.....me

:'(

UGH UGH UGH

GOD.

I hate myself sometimes!

I was having such a good day and then I have to go off and be like this!

Grrr.

It's hard enough knowing that I only have two more weeks left with Zakk...well, less than now! 12 days. I have only 12 days left with Zakk until I'm shipped off back home for the summer. 200 miles away. 3 hours. It sucks. And it's hard enough knowing that, but then I go to start packing things up and cleaning things, and I go and put the stuff he has in my room in a pile and what do I do?

I start to fucking CRY!

Errrgh!

I mean, I'm still within 100 feet of him even in this very moment, but I'm just heartbroken knowing we're going to be that far apart all summer. Whatever happened to being excited for the summer? To have freedom to do what you want with your friends? That's the last thing I am right now!

If I could have it my way, I'd be able to stay on this side of the state year round. Hell, I want to move out here permanantly! To be with my friends, with my love! To not have to be stuck in a town that hates you for four months straight, where you don't feel accepted, appreciated, or loved. Out here in Ypsi, in Ann Arbor, in Livonia, I do!!!! With Zakk, I feel like the luckiest girl, the most special girl, and just beautiful! Whenever I hear him, see him, am around him...it's like I'm flying! It's like I finally know what true happiness really is! This is how I'm supposed to feel!

And now I get to be flung back to the previous state of hell I was in? No thank you!

I just want to never have to feel depressed again...ya know? But all I can think of when I think of going back to Niles alone, is how horrid and awful last summer was! It was the worst experience of my life. I'd rather kill myself than to go back and relive that. I don't want to have to be around those people, to see his face again. I don't know what I'd do, or what he'd do, and that scares me. A lot. I don't feel safe there when I'm alone.

And when I was packing up and sorting through Zakk's belonging's it just kinda felt like I would be saying goodbye for good. Even though I know I'm not! But it just feels like some cruel joke the world was playing on me. It's like, "Hey, you! Here's your very own Superman to save you" and then, "Alright, now that you've had your fun, you get to give him back."

I miss him terribly, and we've yet to say goodbye. It's completely messed up, I know. My friends say that's just how love is, and that's how you're supposed to feel.

Hmph.

Dreams CAN be achieved!

Dear Zakk,

I know your dream, to you,
Is unattainable to seek,
But if you'd just take a closer look,
To me, that dream was reached.

I know you don't wear tights,
And you can't literally fly,
But, Babe, one look from you,
And you've got me soaring 'cross the sky!

You may not be a vigilante,
And you might not fight 'real' crime,
But everyday you fight away
The Demons I call mine.

So what if you can't shoot energy,
Or don't wear a mask and cape?
You've never needed neither
To help me to escape!

Babe, you've saved me time and time again,
Just because you can.
You already are a superhero!
Babe, you're my SUPERMAN!

One Show Down...

So tonight marked the last performance of EMU's Student Written One Act Festival. And all I've got to say was that it was a million times better than last year's!!!! I had a much better experience and it was a lot more fun! I'd like to think that our run went really well, too!

And when it comes to my acting, I've decided to not worry about it as much. I've realized I think too much when I act, and that's my problem! When I don't think, I respond much better! And when I do think...well...let's just say things don't always go so well....

But on the brighter side, we only had one so-so performance, and the rest were really really great!!!!

On another note, tomorrow Zakk and I head to Niles for Easter weekend with my family!!! I am SOOOOO oober excited! It's the first time he really gets to meet my family and spend time with them and whatnot.

I'm not even nervous one bit!

Which I think is a good thing, when it comes down to it!

I really think they'll like him a lot, I know I do!

I love him, more than anything!